


It's The Only Thing I Know

by azsthztxc



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abuse of italics, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Gen, Hopeful ending?, I guess this takes place during or around 3x05, Panic Attacks, after 3x04, i have a tendency to do that, i just want everyone to be happy, meant to be a prediction of sorts, very much just my take on Buck's thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 11:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21117785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azsthztxc/pseuds/azsthztxc
Summary: Buck's whole life is firefighting. He thought that his team got that. He thought that Bobby, of all people, understood that.Obviously, he was wrong.So, yes, Buck jumps at the first opportunity to get something back. The first chance to retain meaning and worth in his life.Even if it costs him everything.After betrayal and replacement, what's he got left to lose?





	It's The Only Thing I Know

The lawsuit goes into arbitration and Buck really doesn’t know how to take it.

There’s no such thing as sweet revenge. He goes into the room knowing he’s got nothing left to lose, but walking out, it seems like everything hanging on a thread. Buck’s entire life is firefighting. It’s the one thing that matters, the one thing that makes him matter.

This shouldn’t hurt.

But it does.

After the anger, he’s just empty. After the betrayal, he’s just hurting. After the initial decision to turn his back on his family, he’s just lonely. And Buck’s too stubborn to turn back now.

Because they left him first, right? Kept secret decisions and kept him from his life. Taped over his place, his spot in his home, and gave it away with little thought. Brushed off his presence in place of something new, something whole, something unbroken.

Something better.

Buck’s not stupid. He gets it. When he tries and fails to fall asleep at night, he gets it. He knows this job is more addiction than career. He knows at the end of the day, he’s got to have something more. There’s got to be more to Evan Buckley than fighting fires and acting recklessly on emotions. There has to be.

He wants there to be.

But the only family he’s known is the 118 and Maddie, and somewhere along the way Maddie’s just been included in that? It’s Maddie, Bobby, Athena, Hen, Chim, Eddie, and Christopher. That is his family... or was his family?

Again, when he’s alone at night and it’s too dark and quiet to fall asleep, Buck’s thoughts are a mess of contrasting motives and perceptions of the ones that he loves.

He blames Bobby for being secretive and not being on his side. He blames Eddie for replacing him with Lena Bosko the moment she arrived. He blames the 118 for not doing anything to stop the latter. He blames them over and over until it stops hurting.

It doesn’t stop hurting.

It never stops hurting.

So, instead he blames himself.

He wasn’t good enough.

He wasn’t smart enough.

He wasn’t fast enough.

He wasn’t strong enough.

He just isn’t enough.

Buck can’t blame anyone but himself for that.

And now, he can’t—

He can’t—

He can’t breathe?

He feels like he’s drowning as he stumbles into person after person, leaving stuttered apologies in his wake.

Buck pushes past the glass doors of the hell-hole that contains the arbitrator’s office and expects to be fine, but whether it’s the rush of people or the sound of the busy streets, his esophagus just keeps constricting.

In the tsunami, Buck never drowned. He’s never experienced that, actually. He’d say a panic (or was it anxiety?) attack comes pretty close.

People push past him on the sidewalk as he struggles to grasp reality, but the buildings seem to bending towards him, falling down on him. The world is spinning and the concept of failure, of worthlessness, bounces around in his head like his brain is playing a pinball game.

10 points of failure because you couldn’t get better.

50 points for suing the only family you got.

15 points for crying about it now.

200 points for probably hurting Christopher, the only person who doesn’t have to do with this.

500 points for not being—

“Watch where you’re going!” An angry businessman pulls Buck out of his head.

He’s staggering around outside of the building, one hand gripping at his chest. Every breath is labored and everything in front of him is blurry. He makes to apologize to the man, but there’s a hand on a shoulder and—

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He shouts, flinching away from the stranger.

The person removes their hand just as fast as they made to comfort Buck, arms raised in a sign of peace and lack of malevolence. The blur of person speaks, “Buck, I need you to breathe.”

And Buck laughs, or tries to, because he’s trying isn’t he? He’s trying to breathe, but of course he can’t do that right. He can’t do anything right. That’s why Buck doesn’t have his job. That’s why Buck doesn’t have the 118. That’s why Buck doesn’t have his fam—

“Hey!” The voice calls again. “You’ve got us still, Buck. You may not understand the decisions, and we all might be angry, but you’ve still got us, kid.”

Kid?

_Kid?!_

He’s no one’s kid. He’s the offspring of two parents who didn’t give a shit, but he’s nobody’s kid. Maybe, just maybe, some small part of him saw Bobby and Athena as the parents he wished he had but— but— they’re gone. They don’t want him. They don’t— they don’t—

“Buck!” The voice cuts through his spiraling thoughts.

Suddenly, Buck’s gasping and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. He can't breathe and he’s going to die and no one will know that he’s sorry and— and—

There’s the feeling of a heartbeat.

It’s solid.

It’s constant.

It’s not his own?

No, it couldn’t possibly be when Buck feels like he’s going a mile a minute. This heartbeat is steady, calm, even. It’s the kind of presence that’s a promise for security and support. It’s the kind of thing a leader has, a _captain_ has.

It’s the kind of unwavering that Buck associates with Bobby Nash.

And suddenly, the person in front of him come into focus.

“Bob—Bobby?”

“Yeah, kid, it’s me. I need you breathe,” Bobby’s voice is all grounding and care, nothing like the jagged edges and barely suppressed anger from the meeting.

Buck inhales, all stuttered and gasping, shaking his head because he cannot breathe.

He can’t—

He _can’t—_

“Just follow me, okay?” Bobby’s voice focuses him again, an anchor in the swirling ocean of his own thoughts. “In for four, hold for four, out for four. You got this.”

And it takes a few tries, but Buck gets it.

Bobby’s counting is an unshakable metronome in Buck’s head, but he’s pretty sure he’s following the movement of Bobby’s chest more than anything else. The cadence of man who is all calm under pressure. Understanding and thought where Buck is nothing but emotions and impulse. It's everything Buck would want to be, so following Bobby? That's easy.

It still takes a while.

How long? Buck isn’t sure, but the ache in his leg from being situated on the concrete ground of the sidewalk tells him enough. He can feel the tiniest rocks embedded into the material of his slacks. Thinks about all the wrinkles he’ll need to get out before the next meeting.

Next meeting?

Right. Still suing Bobby.

The thought pulls Buck to person in front of him, eyes full of concern and none of the heat expected in a man being sued by someone he considered family.

Buck yanks his hand out of Bobby’s grip and moves to stand, despite his body’s protests. It leaves him wobbly and disorientated, but there’s a calloused hand at his elbow and another arm around his back.

It’s solid and steady and everything Buck knows as Bobby Nash.

_Knew._

“I’m— I’m okay, you did your job. You can go now,” Buck refuses to meet Bobby’s eyes, afraid of what’s there now that the crisis is over.

“Buck...” Bobby doesn’t let go.

“Seriously, I’m fine. We’re not supposed to interact outside of the—“

“Buck.”

“What?!” He’s tired and just wants to go. Wants to leave and wait for tomorrow so he can deal with tomorrow and the part where it gets better comes faster.

He’s expecting disappointment. He’s expecting anger. He’s expecting resentment. He’s expecting Bobby to hate him. He’s expecting Bobby to say something, some final word that crumbles whatever’s left in the rubble of revelations of lies and lawsuits. He’s expecting Bobby to not caring, because Buck stopped caring, didn’t he?

He expects— He expects—

_“I’m sorry.”_

And oh.

Buck’s not expecting that.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Before anything else, please let me know if the tags need to be updated in terms of content warnings.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! This is my first 9-1-1 fic, but hopefully many more to come.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: ostentatiousalibis  
(Sorry, I do not know how to add a link in the notes section yet).
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments! This was just my take on Buck's thoughts sometime during the arbitration process. I'm curious where they're taking the plot, but with the suit going into arbitration I have a feeling Buck suing Bobby won't be the biggest conflict of the season.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading! ^_^


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